


don't live your life for someone else, live it for yourself

by RK96000



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hinata Shouyou-centric, M/M, OiHina Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27545809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RK96000/pseuds/RK96000
Summary: When Shouyou was ten years old, he saw his mother fall apart.Life had never been easy at home before his father had disappeared at age eight. But after he left, things were hard- well, harder.It took four years for his mother to snap under the pressure- four years for her to grow more and more distant as the years passed, working as many jobs as she could possibly juggle with as little sleep as she could manage.(It only took four years for Shouyou to ruin everything.)
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 18
Kudos: 99





	1. GAME OVER

When Shouyou was ten years old, he saw his mother fall apart.

Life had never been easy at home before his father had disappeared at age eight (although the thought that Natsu, his tiny, little sister would grow up without a single memory of her father left something twisting painfully inside him- he couldn’t tell if he pitied her or wished he could be her, instead).

But after he left, things were hard- well, _harder_. 

It took four years for his mother to snap under the pressure- four years for her to grow more and more distant as the years passed, working as many jobs as she could possibly juggle with as little sleep as she could manage.

(It only took four years for Shouyou to ruin everything.)

The final straw was when she missed one of his sports games in elementary school. 

He had pouted at her and tugged at her skirt when she had come home- ten year old Shouyou didn’t notice the exhausted way his mother held herself, as if she would fall apart into a thousand pieces the moment someone looked away. 

_“You didn’t come to my game!”_

His mother had paused, eyebrows furrowed and he knew it was stupid _now_ , but then, he had felt worthless- ( _your own mother forgot your game, they were right when they said-_ ) even if he knows his mother is just busy now!

She’s just busy. 

She has to be.

_“You always want me to go to boring club things! But then you don’t even come to them…”_

Shouyou’s mother had smiled at him- halting and stilted, he had almost wished she didn’t smile at all. Then, she apologized, but there was an emptiness to her eyes that even he knew meant she wasn’t really there, as of right now, mind blacked out from exhaustion.

Shouyou had glanced down at the inspirational words he had been born with on his wrist and thought, maybe, he could change his life right then and there. 

_“I don’t want to… I don’t want to live my life for you! I hate these stupid clubs and I hate stupid school and- and can’t I just be happy?”_

And then, he had looked back up.

(Maybe, if he hadn’t, things would’ve been different- maybe, his life would’ve changed.)

But Shouyou did, and so, he saw the cracking mask of his mother’s facade finally shatter into a thousand pieces, eyes of endless voids finally sparking to life as she began to laugh, harder and harder- he doesn’t like it, it sounds mean and cruel and _mocking_ and- and he _doesn’t like it_ -

_“You think you’re not happy?”_

There was more burning behind her eyes, words that vanished into fog the second he flinched away- then, the spark finally faded away and she pushed him away with a painfully gentle touch and empty eyes.

 _This is what happens when you only think of yourself_ , Shouyou realizes, and when the permanent marker on the table draws his eyes with a magnetic pull, he doesn’t hesitate for a single second.

Shouyou had tried to follow but she had locked the door behind her as she entered her bedroom, and the only thing he could do was listen, frozen in place, to the sound of muffled sobs, to the sound of harsh, quiet weeping- and to the sound of his mother falling apart because of an ungrateful son.

When Shouyou was ten years old, he looked at the blacked-out words written on the wrist, and then, looked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be one chapter, maybe two. Oops?  
> I'll be posting each chapter daily!  
> Also, just wanted to mention, this is a different universe than my other fic, "to greater things beyond the unknown", despite a few similarities!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	2. TRY AGAIN?

Shouyou never rode past that television screen with the Little Giant playing on Karasuno’s team, rising higher and higher beyond the unknown, on that one fateful day- instead, on that day, he took a shortcut home, exhausted from staying up doing homework the night before.

It wasn’t as if he ever meant to stay up to do homework of all things- it was just that there were so many better things to do! Like play video games or hang out with his friends or attempt (and fail) various different sports and clubs...

But at the same time, where Shouyou once might have opted to simply skip doing homework, it was _different_ now.

(If Shouyou does his homework and if he does everything right, his mother will love him.)

As it is now, though, Shouyou stands absolutely no chance of even registering as a priority at all to his mother- his mother loves him, he’s sure, and she’s never hit him or even yelled at him for being so annoying but...

His mother is struggling under the weight of supporting two children with a deadbeat father.

And Shouyou can, under no circumstances, _ever_ make her life harder.

So, Shouyou does his best to finish all of his homework, even when his mind wanders and he wishes he was out there, doing _something_ , anything, as long as it brought an ounce of meaning to his life outside of making his mother’s better.

(To exist purely for someone else’s sake is to ask to be hurt, again and again and again.)

Despite that, the words tattooed on his inner wrist haunt him.

_Don’t live your life for someone else, live it for yourself._

(Each and every person is born with words written on their inner wrist- his mother once told him, with a smile tinged with too much sadness to be anything other than a bittersweet remembrance, that these words were commonly believed to be told to you by your soulmate.)

Shouyou isn’t _really_ living his life only for his mother! 

He isn’t.

He has friends and good grades and teachers who smile at him as he passes in the halls- he has a competitive, highly academic high school already picked out and the entrance exam date already set.

Shouyou just has to find that spark inside him- something that he wouldn’t mind doing for the rest of his life, yeah, but, more importantly, something that would make his mother proud of him.

And so, as an increasingly desperate third-year in middle school, Shouyou goes to every single school-hosted event in his area that he can- from sports games to cooking competitions to a science tournament that he’s nearly falling asleep at.

Thinking about how vaguely unhappy Shouyou’s life is isn’t actually really helping, though. 

(He knows there’s something missing- he just doesn’t know what.)

“Hey!” someone whisper-shouts with a friendly grin, looking right at him. 

Shouyou blinks, and then, glances behind him, only to see no one else reacting- was this person talking to him? Were they going to do a complete 180 and scold him for almost falling asleep? Would he have to apologize until his flesh faded away and his bones fell to ashes-

“Hello?” he whispers back, instead. 

The mysterious stranger nods seriously, shuffling over across the empty folding seats set up so that he’s sitting right next to Shouyou.

“Please say you’re just as bored,” he pleads quietly to Shouyou- before he can stop himself, he laughs. 

“I’m never coming to one of these again,” Shouyou says. “I’d rather do anything else than be here. I’d rather do homework.”

The stranger laughs, too- it’s a nice sound, one that reminds him of Kouji and Izumi (although those two are _traitors_ who wouldn’t come to this incredibly boring science thing with him...). Something about his laugh rings true and pure- and nothing like his mother’s faked laughs on the phone whenever her coworkers call.

“I’d rather play _volleyball_ ,” the stranger grins, a strange reverence shining through his voice. 

(Shouyou aches. To have something he could revere, that he could devote himself to- to have something finally give his life meaning.)

“Sounds fun!” he says instead.

The stranger pauses, and then, takes a long, slow look over him- the science tournament has finally ended, parents politely clapping for the winning team. Everyone else begins to file out of the auditorium of the hosting high school, and yet, both the stranger and him stay.

“You’ve never played.”

While a little disarming, it _is_ true, and so, Shouyou shrugs with a lopsided smile. “I haven’t done a lot of things, yet!”

“Hm,” the stranger says. “I’m Nishinoya Yuu! Play volleyball with me.”

Shouyou blinks.

By the time he finally registers what the stranger- what _Nishinoya_ is saying, the auditorium is completely empty.

“I wouldn’t be good?” Shouyou laughs a little- if he pretends it doesn’t bother him that so many sports are essentially off-limits due to his short height, then maybe someone will believe him one day. “I’m pretty short-”

Nishinoya rolls his eyes and, as they finally leave the auditorium and walk down the winding hallway of the high school, tells him, “That doesn’t stop me! I’m a libero!”

When Shouyou doesn’t immediately say anything, the proud glint to Nishinoya’s eyes and the way he held himself (as if he had found his meaning, as if he had found his _purpose_ ) doesn’t so much as disappear but begin to slip underneath- 

“That’s really cool!” Shouyou blurts out- he doesn’t know much about volleyball but he remembers very clearly how tall all the players of the few games he went to were. “I... still don’t think I’d be very good at it.”

“You don’t have to?” Nishinoya laughs a bit, sounding just as sure and confident as he always does- thankfully, he still sounds proud of himself. Shouyou hadn’t managed to chase off his only friend outside of Kouji and Izumi! Score! “Just have fun first!”

Shouyou stares- just have fun?

(Having fun wouldn’t make his mother proud.)

“I’m not sure,” Shouyou says, just as Nishinoya begins to split off from him to go in the opposite direction. _I’m not sure_ , he says- (he _lies_ ).

Nishinoya stops. 

(Maybe he can tell Shouyou is lying, too.)

After a brief moment where Nishinoya chooses to stare intensely, he then stops and grins at him, extending his phone out. “Here, uh...”

“Hinata!” Shouyou tells him, and then, when he realizes his first name is probably _also_ important, even if not as much, “My name is Hinata Shouyou.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” Nishinoya says, and Shouyou exhales a quiet sigh of relief that Nishinoya hadn’t commented on his bumbling, typing his number into Nishinoya’s contacts. “We’ll play some volleyball together soon!”

Shouyou freezes, trapped within saying no and saying yes (and to finally doing something for himself). 

_No_ , he thinks, and he knows it’s what he’s _supposed_ to think- and in the tiniest, most hidden corner of his mind, he thinks, quiet and unsure, _yes_.

“Maybe,” he relents- and with the way Nishinoya beams at him, he thinks he’s made the right choice.

Shouyou thinks about Nishinoya the entire bike ride home, even after they’ve long parted. _Volleyball_ , he thinks, and wonders why, even though it means nothing to him, the word sinks into his skin and settles there, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach.

 _Volleyball, volleyball, volleyball_ , Shouyou thinks to himself, and when he finds himself at a high school volleyball game the following weekend, he can’t even pretend to be surprised in the slightest.

The hosting team playing is _incredible_ \- like a well-oiled machine, each player falls into place perfectly with each block or spike flying so quickly before Shouyou’s eyes.

But the star of it all, the one who draws Shouyou’s eyes from the flashy spikes he would normally be glued to, is the setter. 

There’s something infuriatingly handsome about his smirk at his opponents’ loss, and the spark burning behind his eyes makes Shouyou want (and _need_ ) to know him more.

Oikawa Tooru rules the court.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oihina tomorrow... finally.......
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. NEW GAME

The moment the whistle blows, Shouyou blinks with a strange, aching feeling that he’s lost something he never even had- the words on his wrist are hidden underneath his hoodie, but they feel like searing imprints burning into his skin every moment he lingers and dwells on _what-if_ and _maybe_.

Oikawa leans over as he shakes the losing team’s captain’s hand with a smug smirk that had absolutely _no_ right to be as hot as it was- his gaze catches onto Shouyou in the very first row of the stands and for a moment, Shouyou can only stand, frozen. 

(His hands still ache from how hard he’d been holding on to the metal pole before him- aching and aching, he wonders if it’ll ever stop.)

Then, Oikawa’s stupid smirk only widens and, worse, he _winks_ and even blows a kiss.

Shouyou stumbles back to his seat, gaze still trapped on Oikawa even as he turns away, heat rushing to his cheeks and an impossible hope fluttering in his chest.

That wasn’t meant for him! 

There was no possible way that _Oikawa_ , someone so painfully out of his league, both looks _and_ skill-wise, would ever even notice him-

Yeah.

(It was easier to believe no one would ever look at him- easier to let himself think he wasn’t worth it.)

Turns out everyone else has left by now, only a half dozen teenage girls still buzzing around Oikawa with high-pitched laughter and nervous smiles- between talking to Shouyou and talking to pretty girls, Shouyou has a sinking feeling he already knows which Oikawa would pick.

So when Shouyou drags himself out of the seat and, step after reluctant step, heads out of the gymnasium, he absolutely does not expect for someone to clear their throat from behind him in the empty hallway and even more so for it to be _Oikawa_ -

“Hey, chibi-chan!” Oikawa begins with a small smile, and it’s worse than Shouyou could have ever imagined- sweet and slow and perfect. “I saw that you were-”

“Not looking!” Shouyou blurts out, stumbling over his words when Oikawa pauses and the smile curls into a knowing smirk that snatches his breath away. “I- I wasn’t- not at _you_ -”

Oikawa huffs out a small laugh, genuine and pure- the sound is so beautiful that Shouyou has to wonder if he’s died and gone to heaven for an actual angel to grace him with their presence. 

“Of course, chibi-chan!” Oikawa agrees easily, with a twinkle of mischief hidden behind his eyes. 

Then, as if Oikawa _wants_ to kill him, he leans forward and tilts Shouyou’s chin up with his elegant fingers so that Shouyou has no choice but to just stand there, frozen in place with warm cheeks and a racing heart as he gazes upon an angel. “And just who were you looking at, then?”

Floundering for a moment, Shouyou stammers a response out, even as he stutters over words he can’t remember seconds after- despite how what he said was surely an incoherent mess, Oikawa actually laughs a bit more (and _oh_ , what Shouyou would do to hear that laugh just one more time) before grinning at him.

“I’m touched,” Oikawa tells him, and despite how he says it like a joke, there’s a glimmer of something genuine all the way deep down. “Could this angel inquire what your name is?”

“Shouyou,” he says- then, when he remembers that he _just_ met Oikawa and he would probably think of it as weird, “Hinata! I mean, my name _is_ Shouyou but-”

The thing that gets his rushed rambling to finally come to a stop is the look on Oikawa’s face- half-exasperated, half-fond with a smile tugging on his lips and a spark, the same thing that drew Shouyou to him, burning in his eyes.

“Oikawa Tooru,” Oikawa says, and even if Shouyou knows he might never even be close enough to him to call him by his first name, the thought alone sends electricity crackling in his veins along with the charming smile Oikawa gives to him. “But you can call me Tooru, chibi-chan!”

Shouyou pouts before he can think otherwise, “I’m not that tiny!”

“Right,” Oikawa agrees, a hint of laughter seeping through his voice even as he tries to keep a straight face, “chibi-chan.”

Just as Shouyou finally lets himself relax, smiling up at a perfectly charming Oikawa, who was talking to someone as simple and plain as him, he glances at the clock on the wall- and then, his heart sinks.

“I’m sorry!” Shouyou apologizes as he begins to scurry away, his heart leaping into his throat as thoughts rush into his mind ( _you’re late, you’re supposed to be home, what if your mom finds out you were slacking_ \- _what if your mom is disappointed in you?_ ). “I need to get home, my _mother_ needs- I have to go.”

Oikawa’s smile slips away as he frowns- and more than anything, Shouyou wishes he didn’t have to leave, that he could stay with Oikawa for even just a second longer, blissfully unaware of his responsibilities.

“You don’t _sound_ like you want to, chibi-chan,” Oikawa points out, remarkably perceptive- or maybe Shouyou was just an open book that anyone who even bothered to could rifle through, picking out all the ugliest parts of himself and smiling at Shouyou despite that.

( _“You think you’re not happy?”)_

 _I do_ , Shouyou should say. 

Or maybe, more honestly, “It’s my responsibility to, Oikawa.” And with a smile that aches- “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

Then, as Shouyou turns to leave, (dinner is in three hours so he has to go shopping for groceries and make dinner before his mother gets home, and if Natsu needs help with homework, he needs to do that even before his own), Oikawa’s hand reaches out and grabs his wrist, freezing him in place.

“Shouyou,” Oikawa says, halting and unsure, but he says it anyway- the sound of his first name from Oikawa is almost enough to dispel all of the responsibilities hanging over Shouyou’s head. Sweet and slow and perfect, Oikawa smiles at him with a pleading hope. “Don’t live your life for someone else.”

Shouyou smiles back, but just as Oikawa’s smile starts to grow, he steps away- without Oikawa’s touch as his anchor, he feels a little more lost but sacrifices must be made and pain must be suffered.

Oikawa’s eyes grow dim, achingly familiar, “Come to my next game?” 

And even as he wishes he could-

“I’m sorry,” Shouyou echoes instead.

And this time, when he turns and walks away, each step heavier than the last, Oikawa doesn’t follow. 

When Shouyou finally gets home, the sun has already set and night has already come. 

(And his mother is not home.)

Shouyou treks up the stairs, wishing he could take Oikawa’s words to heart (and wishing for Oikawa to finally change his life), but regardless of what Shouyou wants, he has responsibilities and a duty as his mother’s son.

The sound of Natsu scribbling all over her papers in her bedroom stops Shouyou in his tracks. 

Surely, dinner could wait ten minutes? 

Shouyou nudges the door open after knocking and waiting for exactly five seconds- the last time that he didn’t, Natsu had given him a dirty look and refused to speak to him until he had bribed her with the promise of ice cream.

“Natsu!” Shouyou smiles, a little tired, but his little sister stares back, squinting as if he was a particularly interesting puzzle she was trying to figure out. “Do you need any help with your homework?”

“Hm,” Natsu says instead, before jumping up from her seat at her desk and striding away with confidence Shouyou could only wish he had.

When he doesn’t immediately follow his strange younger sister, she pauses and turns back with a judgmental look that instantly spurs him into action, hurrying after Natsu- how did someone so _tiny_ walk so quickly?

Natsu and Shouyou end up at their home phone, a dinky little landline that had been in this house for longer than their lives combined, and Natsu points at it expectantly. “I want Domino’s.”

Shouyou stares.

“I’m supposed to cook, Natsu,” he tries to explain- it was what his mother expected from him. “Mom told me to, remember?”

Natsu stares back.

“Can you make me a corn mayo pizza, then?”

Shouyou opens his mouth, then closes it- the truth is that he’s never made a pizza in his entire life. “Okay,” he agrees, even as he feels like Natsu has spun him in circles. “Domino’s, then!”

Natsu beams, pressing buttons on the phone before handing it to him.

Once Shouyou has rattled off their order and hangs up, Natsu pushes him all the way upstairs to his bedroom despite his protests. 

“You push yourself too hard,” Natsu says, and there’s something sad on the edges of her voice that instinctually makes him want to comfort her- she narrows her eyes when he opens his mouth, though, so his jaw snaps shut with a click.

“Relax. You deserve to be happy too,” she tells him sternly, putting her hands on her hips. “Stupid.”

Then, just as the realization finally sinks in that this is his sister trying to take care of him when he refused to, he can only smile as Natsu stomps off with a huff.

Shouyou glances at the words written on his wrist, and this time, he doesn’t look away.

Oikawa’s next game is in two weeks.

Surely, that’s enough time for Shouyou to think and think and think.

So, he does.

_You deserve to be happy, too._

Natsu, his younger sister, who had bright eyes and laughter and a kind heart, who saw her brother hurting and reached out where their mother never did, who actually _cared_.

_Don’t live your life for someone else._

Oikawa, the star setter of the Aoba Johsai volleyball team with a handsome smirk and an even more beautiful smile, who only met him once but still cared despite that when Shouyou tripped over his words, so obviously aching but denying it.

_Live it for yourself._

And Shouyou, who knew he was nowhere as incredible as Natsu or Oikawa- he wasn’t nearly as compassionate or skilled or _anything_ \- but they looked past the broken and ugly, jagged pieces of Shouyou’s heart and chose to love him anyway.

Maybe, if they thought Shouyou was enough, then he _was_. 

Maybe, he deserves to be happy- to live for himself.

By the time Oikawa’s next game rolls around, Shouyou sneaks out of his house with an inkling of guilt pushed down by Natsu’s grin and thumbs-up.

Shouyou has thought and thought and thought.

And he’s finally come to a conclusion.

So when Shouyou shows up at Oikawa’s volleyball game just fifteen minutes before it begins, Oikawa notices him immediately- almost as if Oikawa had been waiting for him.

“Chibi-chan, you came!” Oikawa cheers, looking awfully proud of himself. One of Oikawa’s teammates rolls his eyes and opens his mouth as if to scold Oikawa. 

But before he can do so, Oikawa slips away and bounds towards Shouyou, grabbing his hand with an electrifying touch and tugging him away to an empty corner of the hallway outside.

“I thought about what you said!” Shouyou blurts out, staring at his hand in Oikawa’s so that he doesn’t have to actually gaze at the intimidatingly handsome, skilled setter before him- Oikawa’s hand is so much larger than his own, but oddly enough, it feels as though Shouyou’s hand fits perfectly in Oikawa’s.

“Don’t live your life for someone else,” he echoes to himself, and then, smiles at Oikawa, slow and sweet and perfect. “Live it for yourself.”

(Maybe, just maybe, Shouyou can do something for himself just this once.)

With trembling fingers, Shouyou types a familiar number from his call history, digit by digit, and changes his life one number at a time.

“Hey, Nishinoya?” Shouyou says, even as Oikawa gives him a reassuring smile and he can only smile back, hopelessly infatuated (and wondering if maybe, Oikawa likes him too). “You mentioned something about volleyball?”

Nishinoya, to his credit, doesn’t take longer than a split-second before he starts telling Shouyou all about Karasuno and the volleyball team and the practices that he should come watch-

And it’s _Shouyou_ who takes Oikawa and Natsu’s words and thinks about them, over and over for hours upon end until he finally lets himself hope- until he finally lives for himself.

Maybe, after all this time, it _is_ Shouyou who changes his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic is basically an alternative take on how/why Shouyou goes to Karasuno if he hadn't seen the Little Giant- he definitely meets and worms his way into practices with the then-second and first years of Karasuno!! And he and Oikawa date. Eventually.  
> (My heart wants to write this but my brain knows that I already have another huge, long-term Hinata fanfic to work on. Pain.)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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